Case of the Fuck-Its and Presence

So what do you do when you look around and all you see is crap. The economy sucks, politicians are either insane or spinning their wheels and all you want is more sleep, more coffee and a cigarette. Okay besides the last one, all are really needed.
It's the bringing of the semester and I already feel the pull of what i call my mild state of depression that comes about every fall. It's call the fuck-its; as in 'Fuck It'!
We'll thank the goddess that I've done years of introspection and shadow work so i can sense these things coming along sooner than i would back in my Freshman year! Or is it just the process of growing up that allows one to feel things more subtlety. Either way, now that I've caught myself bring pulled into a void where nothing really is good, i can make a conscious effort and engage my Will. Yoga in the morning helps. Remembering to breath helps but what does the best is showing up. Going to class. Brushing my teeth. Doing my assignments. These small acts showing up to my work help develop my little will. So when the world seems to big and all of my classes are demanding the major course projects due within 3 days of each other, and i foolishly pick up 2 extra shifts at work that week, i can call upon that my Will power and not push against the world but go with it and hopefully nudge myself in the direction i want and need to go in.
So in these days where assignments are not terribly long, and work is easy and extra curricular projects are just starting, let us tend to these things with gentle focus. Daily practice is a must. Just as one tends a fire, we must maintain a sense of presence. When the crow comes and you need to build the giant festival bon fire, you will know how to manage it because you know everything about the small fire.

Late Summer heat

It's not finished and unedited but i wanted to put something on the blog and i need to go to bed now.

The pea seed pods crack open in the late summer heat. It hadn’t rained in weeks. Rain clouds found their ways northwards and thunder clapped in the distance. The towns people celebrated heartley after these last storms. Yes, a house was brunt by wayward lighting bolts but cisterns were full and fruits were full and ripe. Here, pea pods hung from crisp vines like shutters on windows flung open to let in what cooling breezes there were. The seed that clung to the pods were collected for next years plantings and those that fell to the ground below were quickly snatched up by any number of rodents or creators of flight looking for a quick morsel.

A low bell clanged my way and in turning around I found my husband leading the goats out of the suns intensity and into the barn, where the heat wasn’t nearly as bad. Black flies swirled around my legs. Normally, this is merely a nuisance, but today it was enough to dive me mad. Taking my flaxen skirt, died golden orange, I ruffled it too and fro… vigorously. The flies darted about, leaving my skin and vicinity. Dust was ginergly tossed up into the air and settled back down the ground and my sweaty legs.

After I had stopped tussling my cloths about like a lunatic, the flies returned to infuriate me once again. The buzzed about and landed on my ankles and toes. They zipped up and down my calves and danced on my ankle. Griting my teeth and breathing in as deeply as I could, I tried to become in tune with my present situation. The sun beat down upon my back and slick sweat ran down my neck and flowed to the small of my back. The buzzing rang in my ears and the dancing and biting of flies shocked my nerves.

In my rage and gave out a deep guttural cry, hoping this would elevate the heat or at very least the insect situation.

Boundaries

All this rain is just one more incident on how the element of Water has been entering my life so strongly these last few days. I need to take in more water physically so I can stop having all this water enter my life in other ways. I’ve watched emotion documentaries, had passionate conversations with co-workers, and consciously overstep my own boundaries in regards to my sisters healing process.

A little witchcraft 101:
The cup is the tool of the Water. It has clear boundaries in which the water is held. I have to remember that the size of my cup is determined by me. The waters can run clear or muddy. They can be slow and lazy or torrential and become overwhelming. How we swim in and paddle though these currents is all determined by how well we know our own abilities to handle what life has to offer.

The waters are turbulent right now. I feel like I can’t paddle with the current. I feel the pain of those whose boats are bashed about by life’s currents. And in doing so my boat gets filled with water and I fear drowning. So I have to re-center myself and do the work that is laid before me. Perhaps if I can swim in my life’s waters with grace and power then I can lead by example. I have clear boundaries around myself. I have to keep them there in order to protect myself from drowning in other peoples emotions. They are there for me to remember that in times when I worlds problems seem to big and we aren’t doing enough to fix them that I’m not meant to drink the whole ocean. I can put down my glass and return to it when I can hold more.

I want to have compassion and I do. Empathy was a skill that I had a child and for a time in high school, I replaced my soup tureen with a champagne flute. This severely limited my emotional connections to others. Now, realizing that as a human, I have the capacity to truly feel others pains and happiness’s. At the same time I’m not meant to hold their emotions indefinably. There are times in which we can commiserate and have commission and though water we heal and transform.

When I’m grounded and well fixed in earth (I have to do more grounding work), clear on my work at hand (see my post on True Will) and have open awareness about my senses, then I can hold more water and help others with their emotions. How is this? When I’m secure about where I am, what I’m doing, and how I’m doing it than I don’t fear that I’ll get caught up in others egos and like a old oak or ancient willow, I can withstand the floods. I get really clear about what I can handle and how much I’m willing and able to give and take.

Water keeps us alive. How often is it that you go outside in the pouring rain and feel each drop as it wakes your skin? When was the last time you went puddle jumping. If you haven’t gone cliff jumping/diving, imagine the rush of fear and excitement you would feel in doing so. Water keeps us alive. It enters us, leaves us, and connects us. The world is 75 percent water and so are humans.

What are your boundaries?
What are you capable of holding without drowning?
Are you sailing with or against the currents of life?
Are you able to hold someone while they cry or conversely, share in their excitement?
How big or small is your cup and how full is it?

These are big questions, I know. But when you answer them, in either a large global or life long context or within a particular situation, I hope that they are able to help you gain clarity, hold and transform the world around you into something beautiful or at least know the way to find better waters.

Blessings,
Charles

Red Goose Garden Newsletter

This is from the Fifth edition of the 2010 season Red Goose Gardens Newsletter. It's from the segment 'Meet the Interns'.

Hello all Red Goose Garden Members

First, I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart for being a part of this amazing CSA. Your participation has kept chemicals from entering the ecosystem, supported Thor and all the other interns, and brought organic, local produce to 100’s of people. Thank you!

I’ve been on a great journey since coming to Red Goose Gardens. My home town is Lakeville, MN. A truly great place to grow up! From there, I found my way to the University of Minnesota, Duluth. There I studied Biology with an emphasis on botany. Struggling with chemistry caused me to follow my other academic passion, Women Studies. Within the program, I took a course called Ecofeminism. This class took what I already knew about different aspects of our society that harm the ecosystem, women, and colonized others and really made it the forefront of my academic and professional world. Being already fascinated by plants and horticulture, the topics of alternate agriculture and specifically CSA’s grabbed my full attention. Seeing how food, which is at the very center of our lives, could bring communities together, support farmers, use less land, help protect and restore the surrounding environments being achieved through CSA’s made me so happy that I just had to get involved. Using wwoof.org I found Thor and Red Goose Gardens.

I’ve find myself being completely taken in by this CSA. Riding my bike to work, seeing bald eagles and hawks fly around, watching and being a part of all the beautiful and wonderful things in the field is an experience all the parts of me wished and wanted. That is not to say that everything thing is roses and rainbows (even though both are here at the farm). There are the buffalo gnats that bite and made us bleed and the ever present state bird, the mosquito. The storms and rain made planting the winter squash hell. 20 pounds of mud on each boot is not fun and something I hope to not repeat more than once a year. The summer heat makes 10 hour days really suck. And when the rain doesn’t come and whole beds dry up and the cabbage you planted is dead, makes me wonder if it is even worth it. But then the kill deer and gold finches fly around and the borscht you made for the week tastes so creamy and good (made with beets from the farm of course) makes me remember that it really the work and hardships are all part of the deal.

Losing 25 pounds of excess weight and getting a good deep tan isn’t bad either.

I can’t say how the rest of this summer will be or the future of our agriculture system will look but judging by the past, I can firmly say that it will get better with time, and taste amazing too. For things to improve, it will take visions, dreams and lots of hard work. I will take storms and droughts. It will take more farmers and more members. If we all do our parts, do a little more than we did the year before, take what we learned as kids and adults, and build something in harmony with the nature and ourselves, we can create a system that is something we can be truly proud of. What I am learning here at RGG, I will take with me to Duluth and my classes. I will take it to the next CSA I work at and hopefully to my own CSA someday.

I hope that you find some time to come volunteer at the farm. Come meet me and the fellow interns. If you have any questions, comments, concerns, or just want to chat about CSA’s, plants, agriculture or social justice movements please feel free to contact me at grabu004@d.umn.edu or check out my blog at http://almost-chosen.blogspot.com. Thank you for your support. The farm wouldn’t be here without us.

Green Blessings,

Charles Grabuski

Fire Fly

Opening Space and become aware.
Shining lights, evanescent spirit,
matter in various states of manifestation,
Breath deep,
Gently Hold with Will and Intention

4, 3, 2... 1

Release into all that ever is.
Falling into Abyss and Flying towards Love.

Visions

These flat lands filled with industrial farms (corn, wheat, soybeans, and sugar beets) allow my mind to think of all the possibilities. When a commercial farm of 200 acres brings in about $20 per acre and an organic CSA bring in $8,000 to $15,000 per acre it only makes sense that small, organic, local farms are the way of the future. Not only do they make way more money, but they feed and support the community in which they are embedded.

The ways in which small organic farms help the world are almost immeasurable. They provide a manual, body enriching labor for the farmers and volunteers. These farms act as a place for healthy communities to grow. People learn where their food is grown and how their chicken, cows, pigs, and goats are raised. They know where their eggs and milk come from. Here in the Midwest, many have small orchards of apples and plums. A strong sense of work ethic develops in workers and volunteers. A greater appreciation for hot days and rains storms becomes essential. Bodies slowly mold into tan, sinuous, and glorious reflections of hard labor in the elements. Trees provide a home for bird and insects. The surrounding forests are the home to deer, small mammals, hawks, and owls. Near by waters run clean and free of chemicals.

I want to take you now to a vision I’ve been working with. In this season if fire, check out my earlier posts on the solstice, I’ve been cultivating not only crops but my internal fire. My will is burning strong these days. Not only to I use this fire to show up to my work but in the down times I’ve been writing. This is part of my Will, to write. I’ve been writing about my vision of the future. It may sound utopian but knowing farm work and all the hard labor and potential downfalls of crop failure, I assure you that the reality is not as romantic as the language we bestow upon such futures. With this caveat, I invite you to come gather around my campfire as I tell a story and weave a spell.

Imagine a farm. Rich brown soil smelling of hummus and manure. It’s midsummer and the tomatoes are just coming in. Farmers are in the fields harvesting all sorts of produce. Red, green and yellow lettuces and dark green spinach leaves as big as your hand fill woven baskets made by the town’s Weavers Guild. You pass by pales of strawberries, raspberries, and blueberries; sweet and cold after the morning rain. Empty rows where chard, beets, and radishes were just yesterday are now being prepared for a cover crop. Clover and buckwheat are bring tilled under by tracker and plow horse in order to in get late season crops, broccoli, cauliflower, cabbage, and other roots. Yellow summer squash and green zucchinis burst out of vine bushes. They scream “pick me”. Rows of eggplants dangle tiny purple, white and striped fruits. Everywhere you look, vibrant life explodes out of soil that quivers with excitement.

Off in the distance, the forest brushes right next the enclosed garden. Deer peer in, licking their lips at the greens, so ripe and ready.

Raised beds hold annual, biannual and perennial herbs. You find herbs for the kitchen, the medicine cabinet, and for dyeing cloth. A fence keeps in sheep, goats, llamas, and a few cows. The pasture connects to a barn at this farm and to another barn farm next to this one. To support the community of 1,000 people there are three farms, run by a few families and many volunteers. The old farm houses now houses the interns that come from all over the country. They’ve come to learn about organic farming and how a community can be nearly self sufficient. The Blacksmith guild comes to the farm to work on repairing hand tools and fixing trackers. The Weavers come to collect the wool, herbs, and other materials gathered from the forest. Back in town, in their building, they dye the raw materials and spin it into beautiful skeins of yarn and tread in which they loom into fabrics. On this Saturday, the Healers Guild has come with a group of high school aged students to teach them about herbal medicine and acupuncture. A group of older women sit around a table shelling peas and sipping wine made from grapes from the vineyard.

Children gather around the chicken coop and pig pen. Couples and groups of friends come in from the field caring stirrup hoes and baskets almost spilling over with cherry tomatoes, squash, cabbage and broccoli. Everyone from the community is welcome to the harvest. Members from Cheese Makers Guild come back in the evening to milk the goats and cows. You over heard them laughing as they enter the milking shed. The interns retire for the evening, greeted at the farm house by the farmers holding beers. The smells of grilled vegetables seasoned with spices, traded for by baskets of wild rice, perfumes the warm air.

The local Pagan group begins to set up a bonfire for this month’s full moon ritual. This being the ‘Full Hay Moon’ they will bless the hay fields and other crops coming in now. In the morning, one of the Christian groups might hold a service at the farm.

As you can see, when a community grows around the farm, all groups invested in its success, everyone works to its benefit, we don’t need to have the power struggles of large companies or other outside forces. Things can become better, strong, and more beautiful. The old traditions, of well made, hand crafted goods and services once again can exist. Clean waters can coincide with human nature. The earth can be rich, black, and healthy. Clearly we don’t need chemical fertilizers, pesticides, and heavy machinery. Yes it takes work…. Hard work. But the rewards are immeasurable. This work creates strong communities, strong families, strong bodies, and strong ecosystems.

So how do we take my vision, which is the vision of so many people throughout the world, and make it manifest. This is a very long, a complex answer. One that is far to long for a blog post. If you want resources to make this dream the slightest bit more of a reality; check out your local CSA. A simple Google search can find the one closest to you. If you want to volunteer or intern at an organic farm, check out http://www.wwoof.org/.

I have shared my hope for a better and brighter future of coexistence and harmony with nature, our own bodies, and each other. What does your future look like? How are you working to bring it into reality?

Solstice Fire II

So with the fire in the sky at its height and the fires in our lives being fueled by this cosmologicical occurrence. I see so many ways in which the season of summer is the season of the element Fire. Not only is it ridiculously hot some days but this is also the time of bon fires, cooking outdoors, getting great amount of work done, taking time for pleasure, doing what we and doing what we desire.

All of the word I’ve just mention fall under the heading of Fire. For a quick cosmologic break down of these and other words, I like to place them on or around the third chakra. Firstly I would say that with the element of fire comes the power of that element, which is Will or “to Will”. I right Will with a capital W for this is our larger will. The Divine Will. The work of this god in the Feary Tradition or in ceremonial witchcraft Knowledge and Conversation of One’s Own Guardian Angle (with was never a phrase which was meant to be taken literally but here we are). This our Will in the center of our third chakra I like to place the words Need and What on two points of the triangle and the word Desire where they converge. Just below the third but above the second chakra I like to place Passion.

Now there is a lot here. I’ve come to this diagram of the third chakra though studying various witchcraft traditions, basic charka study, contemplation and meditation. Wither these attributes of the third chakra are the petals on it, I’m not sure. But it works for me. I encourage you to work with this diagram, wither it be in mediation or contemplation. Ask yourself, how does my small will (getting up, brushing your teeth, going to work, showing up on time) fuel your larger Will (helping the poor, curing the sick, spending time with the elderly, growing food sustainably, what ever your True Will is)? How do your needs (food, water, shelter, clothing, love) and your wants (insert bigger wants (no oh I want some chocolate or a new pair of shoes) lead you to desires? How do your passions fuel your Will? Play around with these words and how they are all interconnected.

Other things to ask:
~Am I ignoring my desires because I cant accept my needs and wants?
~How am I engaging by Will by using my will?
~How am I not engaging by will and how is it affecting my Will?
~What wood are you feeding inner fire (what are you eating, how much exercise are you getting, how much down time do you give yourself so you don’t burn out)?
~Am I breathing deeply, giving my fire enough Oxygen.

These are just a few questions to ask yourself regarding your inner fire and your True Will. Perhaps you are at the point in life asking yourelf “Why am I here? What is my True Will”. These are very important questions as well. If this is your case, then take time to breath into the still place within your body, clam your mind however you chose to do so (mantra, chant, prayer) and listen to your Spirit. What is it telling you your Purpose is.

What makes your fire burn white hot?