The Illumination of Queen Bees

Dearest reader,

My situations really have improved since last week. I've received a bit of inspiration and almost have a story done for the open submission for Cross Genera Magazine. I'm really excited cause after being a in a dry spell for the last two months it hasn't been easy. It's not like I'm just pouring out words like they simply can't be contained (though that is really amazing and I love when that happens) but it's not like I'm trying to extract blood from a stone. So that's good. I hope to send out a portion of it it for this months Lunacy Project. Sign up for this month (or for a year?) if you'd like to have a little story to read come this Saturday -which is this months full moon.

For those interested in what its about: it's a story about a woman looking back on her life, the magic she's made, the lives she's impacted, dignity, and choice. Should be a little controversial but hey, I'm not writing for children here. I think we can discuss sticky issues and raw topics through many means and stories (fictional or other-wise) are excellent places with our culture to have these discussions.

In other news Pill Hill Press, the publisher for the anthology I've been published by is no longer in business. This is a sad day. They really gave so many new authors the chance to show their work, myself being one of them. I wish the editors over at PHP the best of luck. I send them my love and luck.

This does mean that I have the rights to my story back. Therefore, instead of attempting to resell the story to another publisher, I have chosen to publish it on my own website and it is free to you. You can read it right off the site or can download a free PDF version. If you are so inclined to throw a few bucks my way I've put up a $1.00 donation button on the page. This will help pay for the website hosting services so it would be greatly appreciated. I really do hope you enjoy the story. I enjoyed writing it and am very proud of it. I really do consider it the first stepping stone to being considered a published author and that is why I'm really happy I'm able to bring it to you. 

Thank you all and have a great week!

Stuck with the Writing & Thoughts on Gender

As some of you might be aware, I’ve been struggling with the writing. Last week’s blog post was kind of a fluke. I enjoyed writing it and it was fun to go back and do something that required a little more research than usual. In short, I wrote a 13K word something or other akin to a paper I would have wrote in college. Sure it contained a more mysticism than I’m normally comfortable with sharing but what is the internet for other than over-sharing?

But when it comes to the fiction writing I’m consistently coming up short. November was really great. I wrote nearly half a novel in less than 20 days. December wasn’t as good but I got a lot of editing done. Here we are half way through January and I have very little accomplished since the beginning of December. I’m struggling with the Lunacy Project (which shouldn’t dissuade you from subscribing). I feel like everything I write doesn’t have the usual spark that it has in the past. I’m not sure if I’m just trying too hard or being overly expectant of myself. I want to give you all everything I have and continue to bring you things like The Illuminationof Queen Bees and Roses Through the Fog (a Lunacy Project story).

I have the novel to work on and The Lunacy Project, not to mention my weekly blog updates. I also have a short story (less than 2000 words) I’ve been working on and want to finish sometime soon. And now I have two jobs (Jimmy Johns and a tutoring for ISD 194). And I friends I want to see more than I do. And I will have car payments, and insurance, plus the .5K a month for student loans. Needless to keep up the litany, I’m a very busy lady and I haven’t got all day to surf the internet or watch an endless string of youtube videos.

I’ve recently come across an open submission for a science-fiction/fantasy magazine. The theme is She.

“What defines She? External definitions, internal, or the combination of both? When those definitions change – and they inevitably do – who writes the new rules?

We’re looking for stories featuring: women characters exploring the distinctions and overlap between sex and gender; transgender women or girls; characters for whom gender is in flux or in question; and characters who change or redefine what it means to be She."

You think I would have this in the bag. I mean come on. I have a degree in Women’s Studies. You would think I would be able to pull out my knowledge of gender, mix it the experiences of gender fluidity I’ve read about and experienced, add in a dash of mythology and bam! Amazing story right?

As it turns out it is a little more difficult that that. I’ve written several beginnings but nothing feels right. They all feel to be little forced. I don't have a setting and that makes this incredibly difficult for I really want to connect the characters in stories with their surroundings. How does the landscape impact their emotional lives. That is something I writing and feel I'm good at. But I don't even know where to start with this one. The submission closes at the end of February but I was hoping to use part of it for Lunacy. I keep coming back to the quote by Simone de Beauvoir “One is not born a woman, one becomes one”. I think the same could be same of men but I don’t want to dive into a big examination of what is a woman/man here, or at least not now.

I need to find my voice again. I really believe in the adage write what you know. I know I can write. I know this creative fiction thing is a part of who I am and I need to be very diligent with it. It is my dream to write beautiful, lush, exotic, and sensory rich stories that make people feel something. I want emotionally complex characters. I want wonderful and strange and fantastic settings. I want to bring to the world different voices, new stories. Thus, when I get pushed against the wall known commonly as writers block it is really difficult. It’s like there are big, great, exciting things just on the other side of the wall and if I just push hard enough or let myself fall into the wall and it will open up and show me everything I have to offer.

Share links to articles about gender in the comments or write about your experiences with gender in the comments. I’d love to hear from you and your interpretations of masculinity, femininity, and everything that falls in-between and around the concept of gender. What does She mean to you?

Devilish

I went downstairs earlier this afternoon to tell my father I got an interview tomorrow morning. Before I can even deliver the wonderful news he holds a hand up to my face and says something about how he doesn’t want to see it.

Wondering what “it” is? That would be my nose-ring. This had been a topic of contention between my parents and me ever since I got "it" over two years go. This is understandable for it is definitely considered deviant behavior. Outside of earlobe piercings, all other piercings are considered to be outside the normal realm of acceptable behavior in western culture. They deviate from our expectations of regular self-expression. Some piercings (nipple, genital, nasal sphincter, and gaging of any tip) are even considered grotesque for they mark an open/exposed orifice.

This is a surface examination of piercings. Anthropologist Lévi-Strauss points out that in cool/cold society’s (of which western culture is one) piercings and tattoos are consider to be individualistic and each mark’s meaning is different/up to the individual to create meaning. This means each individual has a different meaning for the mode and choice of self-expression. We don't have body modifications which no note things such as rank, social status, or placement within our socitey. Anyone can have a tattoo or ear piercing and there for these are not our indicators of social stratification. In a hot/warm society, various markings (tattoos/piercings) mean the same thing for everyone in the tribe. Each tattoo has a specific meaning and it is known throughout the enter culture.

Now that we have the basics down on body modifications and how it relates to society we can dive back into my story.

As soon as my father said he didn’t want to see it, I told him to stop and to get over his preconceived notions of what it means to have a nose-ring. That is when he said it was devilish.

Stop: Lets examine this for a moment.

Devilish, as in, relating to the devil. 

Let’s look at the depictions of the devil. Seeing how my father is a religious man, and studies the bible weekly, I will turn to the bible to look for details about what the devil looks like. Under the “Subjects Appendix” of the NIV there is no entry for “devil”. Under “Satan” there is many versus that say that Satan defies God’s power but nowhere is there an actual depiction of Satan. Nowhere does the bible say anything about Satan/the devil having any rings of any sort. The devil isn’t even said to have a nose. In fact there are no direct biblical description of the devil. The only glimpse we get at Satan's "physical form" would be his history as an angel/fallen angel; thus Satan looks like an angle.

Clearly my father was not using his vast knowledge of the bible to describe the piecing.

So where is he getting this relationship between a nose-ring and the devil? There is certainly a lot of historical depictions of the devil being grotesque and bestial, much of this coming from medieval art and iconography. The devil is often shown as possessing a goat head or goat feet or a forked tail or possessing any number of animalistic attributes. These images come from pre-Christian religions or spiritual traditions which often had very strong agricultural focus. The cycles of summer and winter dictated the flow of life and the livestock became the source of your very life, thus they were held with great reverence. Christianity comes in makes demons out of the old gods. Therefore you have the goat and the bull now have a connection with the devil/Satan.

Now let’s look at livestock outside of a medieval frame. They often had nose-rings (see I was getting around to this) in which they were led around the farm and tied to posts and such. They tilled the fields and provided nourishment through their deeds (and their bodies) to the community. They were bound to the earth and to the master. This is why I have a nose-ring. It is my tethering, my grounding in the earth. I have worked the field with my hands. I have used my body to bring food to the table for many people. It is my religion, in its original meaning, my re-connection.

While living in Lakeville (suburbia) and while it is winter it is hard to remain connected with the land. It is impossible to work the land when it is covered in the snow and ice. The nose-ring is a constant reminder that I have chosen to tie myself to the earth, to serve the community. I am not a beast of burden. I am not whipped by a master into working. I have chosen to place my will in the hands of the earth and she is bountiful. Many Christians do this with Jesus. There are many traditional prayers asking their will to be the will of God. I have done the same but to the earth. To flow with the cycles of the seasons; To be bountiful; to rest when necessary; To give birth to new generations and to take what is old and broken and bring it into a new time and place and form. The cycles and rhymes of nature are holy and sacred. They bring a wholeness to my life.

As such I have taken up the symbol of the nose-ring to connotation this message. In the cold society, as laid out by Lévi-Strauss, the messages piercings and tattoos have is often misinterpreted. People do not take the time to ask what does it mean? Instead these individuals are written off as deviant, as other, and as an outsider. In this time when we need to be looking at everybody, in all their parts, we need to look at the outsiders, those who do not have privilege, the unrepresented and listen to what they have to say.

Devil: relating to Satan, who in the Old Testament was called the Adversary.

Now I don’t necessary have a problem with this one. I don’t mind being an Adversary, especially if it is an opponent of the main-steam, hegemonic culture. The adversary calls out the powers-that-be and says Check yourself. You are wrong. Here are reasons why I see your actions as wrong and I will oppose them. If my nose-ring is a symbol of Satan and thus a sign of the adversary I wish to make myself a safe place where we can discuss prominent ideas and challenge them. If we strive for balance then we need to have an adversary to check ourselves against.

I do not see myself as the Satan, the devil, which is said to bring evil into the world, which is the one most often written about in the Bible. I do not spread the ideas which separate us from god. I do not spread sin. When I have been an advocate for greed? I do not condone violence. I will not shroud you in darkness. I can help lead you through the darkness and explore the compost rich dark night of your soul. I’ve gone down that road before. It is dark and lonely, confusing and often a place of great sadness, but we are not meant to dwell forever there. If anything, I claim to write about illumination: to bring light upon. I don’t claim to be a saint or a guru. I’m not filled with the pure light of god (show me someone who is) but I can say I’ve see, felt, been filled by and in the presence of the multifarious, ego shattering, wall dissolving, soul expanding  light of the divine. I see the divine everywhere: it comes in so many colors, shapes, and sizes. I do not take people away from divine. I would never equate my nose-ring or it’s symbolism with destruction and depression.

If my father wants to call my nose-ring devilish, then I ask him (and you dear reader) to use it as a term that relates to the earth-tiller, bringer of bounty, servant to the land and community.* Let’s call those who rail against the dominator society by pointing out its short coming, its hidden spots, those who it suppresses, devils. Let's reclaim the word. Let’s call them devils and adversaries and see them as necessary, valuable and need parts of our society. We might live on the edges of society on the fridges, but we can see into the hegemony. Let us honor every element of our culture and treat it all with care. Let us be shifting, changing and stalwart members of a loving, caring community. Care for those who are “grotesque”. Care for the adversary. They will protect you, from yourself.

*Editing note: I don't think we can "warm-up" our socitey. I don't believe that we can take our current body-modifications and attach meaning to them as warm socitey does. To live in a cool society means we need to ask each other what our body modifications mean. We need to see people who are covering in tattoos or piercings as people are convening a message and instead of seeing the surface, realize their is a history in that ink. There is a story behind her tattoo. Body modifications are intensly personal, even if they are in publicly visible places. It's our jobs are humans not to see each-other as outside but to inquire, with tact and sincerity.