Mary Watches

I have a jar candle on my desk. Generally it is just plain yellow or green or blue. I buy them at dollar stores or grocery stores or the occasional occult shop; though the later tend to be spend-y and covered in glyphs or sigils that I don’t need. That’s not to say I couldn’t use some extra creatively or motivation around here. I light the candle whenever I’m at my desk, which is most the day when I’m not working at Jimmy John’s. This means I go through about one candle every two weeks; at roughly $2.50 each that’s not a bad deal to have a warm glow illuminate my workspace.

This time the candle is not plain but is decorated with the image of the Vigen de Guadalupe. I saw her at the grocery store next to Our Lady of San Juan (which looks like a woman’s head with wearing a really fancy crown atop a big blue bell with) and the Sacred Heart of Jesus. I like Mary even though there is a ton of controversy over all her symbolism and what it means for women (in specific to their sexuality). All of that aside I feel a sort of affinity towards her. So I bought the candle not thinking much about it and she sat unlit on a shelf in my room for a few weeks till the candle on my desk ran out.

(I'm aware that The Vigen de Guadalupe is not The Virgin Mary but they are analogues. In my experiences they been used interchangeably but do have very distinct background, histories, come from different culture, stories are different, etc. If you know more about how they are alike and how they are different, leave a comment below or send me an e-mail.)

Mary has been watching me write my first novel, balance my check book, write these blog posts, surf the net, and play a little WoW. She has also seen me write out my student loan checks. Having only the part time job at Jimmy John’s I currently only have $45 at the end of the month after paying the student loan debt.

I came to this realization yesterday and I would be lying if it didn’t upset me quite a bit. I actually became angry at how we, as a society, tell our youths to go to college and how we have a system that makes our 20-somthings into indentured servants to the banks. I’ll save you the whole two hours internal diatribe and get to the point. By the time I had fumed over my lack of financial freedom I had tumbled into a really dark place. Sitting at the computer looking for answers and a way to bring myself out of a really scary, intense place, I saw Mary’s face illumined by the candle light.

I’m not going to say I felt better automatically but I felt as though she had some compassion she wanted to bring to the world (it wasn’t just me). It wasn’t some divine revelation. There was no exact moment when I felt magically all better about my situation and that the world loved me once again. There was no conversation to Catholicism or anything so extreme. I didn’t fall to my knees and cry or feel shriven. There was just a calmness that and I felt this figure’s message was only bring compassion into the world. I can’t say it was a tangible or tactile feeling. It was gentle and subtle. It was kind and soothed the pains I had inside and made my thoughts of doing terrible things seem like nonviable options.

I don’t want this to come off as an attempt at converting others cause let’s be honest; that’s not what I’m about. If you are Catholic I would love to hear about your experiences, knowledge, and relationship to Mary and what she means to you. If you are non-religious, what are your thoughts on Mary? If pagan/goddess centered what do you think of Mary? Leave your comments below or send me an e-mail.

I’m happy she sits on my desk, watching over me; over the world, and in some small way that is partly psychological, some part mystical, wants nothing more than to bring compassion into my life/into the world.